Ask Mimi ~ Our advice columnist works her magic

Your cool Aunt who knows her sh*t!

Dear Mimi,

I am getting married next spring, and I have eight friends who I’d like to be part of my bridal party. These are my best friends, and I cannot wait to have them part of the celebration. My fiancé and I are close with most of their significant others, some of whom are married, so we want to give everyone in our bridal party a plus one. The only problem is that one of my longest college friends is currently dating a guy that neither my fiancé nor I like. He is rude to our friends, starts arguments for no reason, and although I love my friend, she doesn’t quite understand why we aren’t fans of him. If I had my way, I wouldn’t want him at the wedding, but I feel extremely awkward given I’m going to invite the rest of the bridal party’s significant others. Do I just suck it up as she’s my bridesmaid and she loves him? Or do I risk my friendship with her and tell her he’s not invited?

Handling Unwanted Plus Ones

Dear Handling Unwanted Plus Ones,

This one is tricky. Unfortunately, there are times in our lives when we just do not get along with our friends’ partners, and I understand why you would only want people whose company you enjoy to be part of your celebrations. In this situation, you have a couple of options. One is to only invite married or engaged partners, that way you don’t single out your friend’s boyfriend as the only one not being invited. The other option depends on how serious they are. If this is a new boyfriend, it’s valid for you to express your reservations and let your friend know that you are only extending plus one invitations to those who you feel are close with you and your fiancé. On the other hand, if this is a serious relationship, you may have to accept that if you are giving out plus ones to the bridal party and would like your friend to be a bridesmaid, then her boyfriend will be coming too. Who knows, maybe you’ll get lucky, and he won’t be around next Spring!

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Dear Mimi,

I’m feeling completely overwhelmed with wedding planning. My fiancé and I have been engaged for almost a year now, and the wedding is just six months away, but it seems like there’s always something new to worry about. Between booking vendors, creating the guest list, figuring out the seating chart, and keeping track of all the tiny details, I feel like I’m losing sight of why we’re even doing this in the first place. What’s worse is that I’m the main person planning everything, and it’s causing some tension in our
relationship. My fiancé is incredibly supportive, but he’s not very involved in the nitty gritty of planning. How do I avoid burning out while still making sure everything gets done? And how do I get my fiancé to be more engaged without feeling like I’m nagging?

Overwhelmed Bride

Dear Overwhelmed Bride,

First of all, I want to say that it’s completely okay to feel overwhelmed by wedding planning. Planning such a big event can be a huge emotional and mental load, and it’s important to recognize that feeling burnt out is normal! It’s a big life event, and you’re putting a lot of heart into it, so burnout is a natural response to the pressure. The good news is that there are ways to manage it, and you don’t have to handle it all on your own. I know it can be hard to ask for help, but this is the perfect time to lean on your fiancé, family, or friends. It sounds like you’ve been taking the lead on most of the planning, but remember— your fiancé is part of this big day too! Have a conversation with him about how you’re feeling. There might be areas where he feels he could take on more responsibility, and maybe just hasn’t spoken to you about it.

To prevent tension from rising, I recommend you and your fiancé set aside one or
two days out of the week to focus on planning. Also, there are no rules for how to spend this time. For example, if you and your fiancé want to have “wedding brunch” on Sundays where you have mimosas and tackle some items on your to-do list, do it that way! Scheduling wedding-specific time so you don’t feel as though the planning is completely overwhelming your daily lives will hopefully give you more balance and remind you why you’re doing this —you love each other!

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Dear Mimi,

I’m in the middle of planning my wedding, and my family’s constant “advice” is starting to drive me crazy. My mom insists that I need to have certain traditions, like a formal cake-cutting ceremony, bouquet and garter toss, and a huge reception with a sit-down meal. Meanwhile, my aunt keeps pushing me to invite distant relatives I’ve barely spoken to in years. I’ve tried politely setting boundaries, but it feels like no matter what I say, someone has an opinion about everything.

I want to honor my family, but I also want to have a wedding that feels authentic to me and my fiancé, and we have always wanted more of an understated affair. How do I politely tell them to back off without causing any drama?

Stressed Bride Trying to Keep It Together

Dear Stressed Bride,

Although families may be coming from a good place, often it’s all too common that some family members tend to overdo it with the “help.” I know you mentioned you’ve already tried to express boundaries, but I think another conversation is needed. This is you and your fiancé’s wedding day, and it should feel that way! I would let them know that while you appreciate their excitement, you would like your vision respected and at the end of the day, you and your fiancé’s preferences and desires are going to trump theirs. In regards to your aunt wanting you to invite distant relatives, explain that you only want close friends and family to be part of your day (not to mention you’d like to avoid the additional costs of adding more guests!). Everyone should be able to understand once this is laid out, and if they continue to give unwanted advice, maybe it’s better to leave them in the dark about some of the planning.

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Dear Mimi,

I’m the Maid of Honor at my best friend’s wedding, and I’m really struggling with writing my speech. I want it to be meaningful and heartfelt, but I’m feeling a lot of pressure to say the perfect things. My friend and I have been through so much together, and I want to capture the essence of our friendship, but I’m terrified of sounding cliché or not doing her justice.

The problem is, I’ve never been great at public speaking, and I’m so nervous about getting up in front of everyone. I don’t want to make a fool of myself, and I also want to make her feel special. Any tips for a nervous MOH?

Speechless Maid of Honor

Dear Speechless,

It’s totally normal to feel pressure about delivering the perfect speech but remember that your best friend wants something heartfelt and sincere, not a flawless performance. Focus on a few key memories or qualities that make your friendship unique — these will make the speech personal and special. Start by jotting down a few stories or traits that highlight why you’re so close and how happy you are for her and her new spouse. An important thing to remember is that this speech is for the couple, so make sure you mention her new spouse too. This is their day, so both should be included!

When it comes to nerves, try to practice a few times in front of a mirror or with a friend to build confidence. If you get emotional, that’s okay! It’ll show how much you care, and no one will think twice. Best of luck, you’ve got this!

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Dear Mimi,

I’m getting married this fall and I’m struggling with how to involve both of my divorced parents in the wedding. While they’ve been civil for years, I know there’s still tension between them, and I’m nervous about how they’ll handle the day. My mom has since remarried, and my father has not. I want them both to feel involved and special, but I’m worried about creating an awkward situation, especially when it comes to important moments like the first dance and walking down the aisle.

How do I handle the logistics of a wedding with divorced parents? Any advice to make them both feel included without causing stress or tension?

Caught in the Middle

Dear Caught in the Middle,

Navigating a wedding with divorced parents can certainly feel tricky, but remember that more than anything, everyone just wants to be there for you (and your partner) on your big day! Let your parents know that you appreciate them both and want to celebrate with each of them — this should help alleviate unnecessary tension. Be sure to set expectations that they’ll need to cooperate so the day runs smoothly for everyone, and explain what aspects of the wedding you would like them to take part in.

When it comes to key moments like walking down the aisle, you have some options. For example, you could ask your mom to walk you halfway down the aisle and then have your dad take over for the final stretch, or you could have them both walk you down the entire aisle. If both parents want to participate in the first dance, you can do separate dances— this is your day, and you can make it work for your family! Recently, I’ve seen brides opt out of doing a bouquet toss and instead dedicate their bouquet to their mother, which is also a nice way to honor your mom.

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